It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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