there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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