just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
