When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
