why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
