I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
