I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
