I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
