You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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