Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
