I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
