One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
