The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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