he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
