went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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