He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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