You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
