Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
