is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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