I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
