I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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