dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
