I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
