So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
