I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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