Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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