My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
