its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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