I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
