Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
