i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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