I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
