I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
