I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Barsexuality is the new black.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
