Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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