def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
