It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
