dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
