I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
