At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
