At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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