The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
