Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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