i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
