when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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