dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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