I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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