im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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