hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
