god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
