then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
