This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
